Scream Parody
by Lurking Surreptitially
Summary: Pure insanity! Untold story. THE TRUTH BEHIND SCREAM! Muhahahaha! Not like Scary Movie. Nothing gross. Please read and review, peoples!
1. Wrong Number

**Chapter 1: Wrong Number**

Casey Becker danced around the living-room in a pale, pink dress singing along to a Spice Girls song that was roaring over the radio, _"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want…" _she screamed, spinning around in a circle. Her voice sounded awful, as she was tone-deaf, "Wait a second," she whispered, stopping herself before she jumped up in the air, and turning off the radio, "It's 1996-- I don't think the Spice Girls are around yet-- oh well," so she resumed dancing.

It was then that the telephone rang.

"Ooh…" she whispered, approaching it, "How scary."

It rang a second time, and she picked it up, "Hello?" she screamed, pressing the receiver into her ear.

"Hello," came a scary and seductive voice from the other end.

"Hello?" Casey screamed, sounding more annoying and screechy upon repeating herself.

"God, shut up."

"Yes," Casey responded, pausing to pick her nose.

"Who is this?"

"I can't tell you…" Casey whispered, "Mommy and Daddy say I'm not supposed to say my name to strangers-- even when they offer me candy," she pouted, "I like candy."

"I see," the man replied.

"It's past my bedtime, Mister. You see, I'm supposed to be in bed at seven thirty, but tonight, I was given permission to stay up until my parents came back home-- it's already seven forty-five!" she grinned a genuine grin at her cleverness, and began twirling her blonde hair.

"How old are you, little girl?" the killer asked, adopting a gentle tone; now believing he was dealing with a child.

"Seventeen-- but the doctors say I have the mentality of a five year old-- whatever that means," she sighed, "Do you think I'm pretty."

"Yes-- yes I do."

"Yea! I'm gonna go dance now. BYE!"

She hung up the phone, and true to her word, continued dancing. The phone rang again, and she stared at the Caller ID; it read _KILLER. _A wide smile formed across her face, "It's him," she breathed, and she picked it up to answer again, "Hi, Mr. Killer!"

"Hi," he replied.

"I'm glad you called me back-- I _knew _you would! You're nice… I hope I can meet you sometime, and make you dance with me-- I like to dance."

"Uh-huh. Okay. Enough with the dancing, Casey."

"Aww. I'm gonna go watch a scary movie-- WITHOUT YOU!"

"Don't-- what's your favorite?"

"I don't know," she replied, looking through her video collection, and picking up a movie entitled _The Magical Adventure of the Unicorns who danced on Rainbows. _She smiled at the title, "You have to have a favorite," he insisted.

"Uh… THE WIZARD OF OZ. You know, the one with the girl who has red shoes, and dances around-- that mean witch is _scary. _What's yours?"

"Guess."

"Uh… THE LAND BEFORE TIME."

"Is that the one with the dinosaurs who sing?"

"Yeah… Littlefoot."

"Littlefoot-- that's right. I liked that movie. It was," he hesitated on the next word, deciding to play along, _"scary."_

"The first one was, but the rest were horrifying."

"So, you got a boyfriend?"

"I did--" her face fell, "--but then, he left me for that slut, Pam Mackey… So, I killed him-- then I killed her. But, nobody knows, so shh."

"Your secret's safe with me."

"Yay!" she cheered, "Why? You wanna ask me out?"

"Maybe, but you never told me your name."

"Why do you want to know my name?"

"Because I want to know who I'm looking at."

Casey spun around, and stared outside, seeing the masked Killer holding a cell phone, and chatting while sitting on a lawn-chair, "Is that you?" she asked.

"Yeah… You like?"

"You're hot. I like you."

"Good-- I'm gonna kill you now."

He hung up, "What? WHAT?" Casey dialed the number back. He answered, "Did you say you were gonna kill me?"

"Uh-huh. You getting scared?"

"No. Tired. I'm usually go beddy-bye at this time."

"Oh."

"I'm tired. I wanna go sleepy."

"No."

"But, I'm--"

"_No," _he repeated, firmly.

"Listen, asshole."

"I'm gonna kill you now. Bye."

He hung up. She dialed again, "YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE BITCH. IF YOU HANG UP ON ME AGAIN, I'LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH, YOU UNDERSTAND-- JUST LIKE MY EX."

"Geesh. Chill out, dude. Chill out."

He hung up again. Casey was angry now-- and hyper. She was angryper! "NO ONE CALLS ME DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!" she wailed, shaking the house with her screams.

She dialed again, "Apologize, asshole," she hissed.

"For what? Is this some kind of joke?"

"No… More of a _game, _really," she smiled, wickedly.

"What kind of game?" the Killer asked.

"Here's how we play," she whispered, "I ask a question. If you get it right, you live. Answer wrong, you die-- and I eat your brain."

"Please don't do this-- I'll leave you alone. I promise."

"Come on. It'll be fun," Casey whispered.

"No… please."

"It's an easy category. Movie trivia. I'll even give you a warm up question," she paused, thinking of a question to stump him, "Name the Witch of the North in THE WIZARD OF OZ."

"I don't know," he whispered, now on the verge of tears.

"Come on, yes you do."

"Please… stop..." he was sobbing now. Casey grinned.

"Tell me… Or I'll kill you now, Mister Crazy Psychotic Evil Killer."

His voice, now a whisper answered her, "Glinda… Glinda the Good."

"YES!"

The Killer sighed, relieved.

"Now for the real question."

"NOOOOO!"

"But you're doing so well."

"How many Land Before Time movies are there as of now?"

"Three."

"Wrong answer," Casey hissed, disgusted.

"No. There are three. My little cousin made me watch all of them twenty times in a row!"

"Then you should know that there are four-- counting the one that was released today."

"You tricked me."

"Yep… Now, _you_ die, Mr. Grouchy Pants!" she shrieked an inhuman shriek, and brandished a long butcher knife she had been hiding in her bra.

The Killer; still sitting on the chair outside got up and began running, with Casey in hot pursuit, "I'm gonna eat Brain Soup tonight!" Casey screamed, cornering him, and making angry stabbing motions with the knife, "Wait a second," he whispered, "You don't have to do this. You can join me, and together, we can rule… _California."_

"Hmm," Casey thought, thinking; drool came out of her mouth, and five minutes later, she had an aneurism, from thinking too much, and died.

"SUCCESS!" the Killer screamed, and left the spot; five weeks later, when they discovered her body two inches away from the house, Casey's parents held a party to celebrate.


	2. It's Only Billy

**Chapter 2: It's Only Billy**

Sidney Prescott stared at her computer screen, typing: Single. Beautiful. Easy. She smiled at her handiwork, and immediately submitted it to the singles site. "I'm so cool," she whispered, staring around at her bedroom; painted black with white streaks everywhere from when her father had tried to repaint it, it was a sight for sore eyes, but it was her safe-haven, and in her own little world, it was beautiful.

Suddenly, there was a loud sound from behind her, "Ooh. How scary," she remarked in a whisper, as she turned to face her bedroom window that overlooked the gang violence of east LA, "Get out of the way, you white bitch!" a voice screamed from below, and Sidney narrowly dodged a bullet as it grazed past her ear, "Who's there?" she called, standing up, and approaching the window, deciding to investigate even if she was shot in the head, and killed, "Bobby, is that you. In search of a fiftieth rendezvous?" she asked, peering outside, "Or is it Fred?" No answer, "Jordan? JT?"

"No. It's only me. It's only… _Billy."_

"Gasp. How sinister," she whispered, and her boyfriend's face appeared outside the window. She stared at him, and smiled at his hotness; he was missing his front set of teeth-- replaced by new, sparkling gold ones, while he had scars across his face from his constant knife fights with the clown who lived across the street from him. She couldn't deny it; she had bagged the hottest guy in all of California-- no. The hottest guy in the whole God-damned world.

"What are you doing here, Billy?" Sidney demanded, "I told you that I would be," she hesitated, _"busy _tonight. You know. To pay for your birthday present-- it costs fifty cents. That's a lot of money."

"What the--? Wait a sec. You sleep in _that?" _Billy demanded, deciding to forget his girlfriend's sluttiness as he pulled himself in through the window.

"Be quiet, you skag," she hissed, "My dad's in the other room."

She pointed to the curtain that divided the small shack that she lived in into two; her father's shadow could be seen on the other side.

"I'll only stay for a few days…"

"Sid… You dead yet?" her father hollered from the other side of the curtain.

"No… Just wait for it!" Sidney screamed, as Billy ducked out of sight under the covers of her bed.

The curtain was torn open in a rush, and Sidney's father rushed into his daughter's "bedroom" quick as hell, and immediately spotted the lump under the sheets, "What's that?" he demanded.

"Uhh… You're imagining things!" she shrieked.

"Oh. Never mind then," he shrugged his shoulders, "Now, you know that I'll be gone for a couple of days with that hooker I met fifteen minutes ago… right?"

"What? You mean Tatum? My _best friend, _Tatum!"

"Uh… _Yeah."_

"Oh. Okay then. Just don't be too much of a perv."

"I won't."

She laughed at the lie, "I sure hope you get run over, you ugly girl, you," and her father left the room, closing the curtain behind him.

"Whew," Billy breathed, uncovering himself, "Your dad's pretty gullible, Sid."

"Tell me about it-- now, what are you doing here?"

"It just occurred to me that I've never snuck through your bedroom window at eight twenty three…"

"Yeah, you did. Last night, actually… When I was supposed to be with-- never mind. You were saying…?"

"Well, I was at home, all zoned out with the munchies, and watching THE EXORCIST II: HERETIC on TV, and it got me thinking of you."

"Oh, it did?" she asked, and then with dawning comprehension, "Wait a sec. That movie is crap. That's the worst sequel _ever!"_

"I know. Like you're the worst _girlfriend _ever. You won't put out for me, but you've been impregnated by every single other guy in town-- even my dad."

"So what? I'm not a virgin. Big whoop. I'll still wear white to our wedding."

"Wedding? Ugh… I gotta go."

And with that, he stood up, and bolted out of the room, and out of the window, "Call me!" Sidney screamed, just as her first client of the evening sauntered in through the window.

--

That morning, Sidney ran off to school, and found a reporter reporting some crime, "Do you believe this stuff?" Sidney's friend, Tatum Riley suddenly demanded, appearing beside her.

"You mean that reporter…? I can't believe she claims that those are real!" she pointed to the woman's breasts; the size of small melons.

"Well, they are," Tatum insisted, "Just like mine," she pointed to her own, the size of small grapes, "I mean last night… Your dad was a no-show. Maybe he decided to go out with my Mom's sister's cousin's uncle's half-sister's brother's girlfriend's sister's daughter's neighbor-- twice removed," Tatum panted.

"Maybe," Sidney replied, "But what about this reporter with the huge--?"

"You didn't hear?"

"Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh-- what happened?" Sidney asked, nearly slipping into a comatose state.

"Oh God!" Tatum screamed, suddenly frightened, and slapping Sidney across the back to prevent her from having an aneurism as well, "You don't know? Well, that figures because you're such a slut," Sidney nodded understandingly, "Well, anyway, they found Casey Becker's body last night-- _and _her boyfriend, Steve-- _and _that slut, Pam Mackey."

"Ooh!" Sidney screamed, "I hated that slut. Was Casey…?"

"Murdered? No. Her brain like blew up-- and, it got the authorities thinking… Someone tried to kill her-- and she died… He's playing mind tricks to kill stupid people, and that means…" she drifted off, obviously too frightened to speak.

"It means they could be targeting any one of us… I'm frightened, Tatum. They have to stop this sicko!"

"Like, so, totally, yeah! And the police peoples are so stupid and clueless… They're asking everyone if they had something to do with Casey's death."

"Well, it wasn't me!" Sidney suddenly screamed, crazily, "I didn't do it! I swear! SWEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" she shook her fist, angrily, and Tatum backed away from her, frightened by her first outburst of the day.

"Whoa, Sid. Calmness, please. Don't forget your medication," Tatum suddenly struggled with a capsule the size of a small rocket, and handed it to Sidney.

"Oh, yeah," with difficulty, Sidney swallowed it, and nearly choked to death.

"Dewey said this is the worst crime they've ever seen… Even worse than when your ugly slut-mother was murdered by that guy-- I mean, can you blame him? She was the ugliest crack-ho there ever was!"

"Hey," Sidney hissed, through gritted teeth, "She didn't deal crack, Tatum. My mom was a total marijuana and coke dealer."

"Oh, yeah… Sorry about that, Sid."

And without another word said, the two rushed off to their class.


	3. Sidney's Turn

**Chapter 3: Sidney's Turn**

"I wish she would have come to school today," Sidney hissed to Tatum.

"Who? Casey? She's dead, remember? And besides, she's been dead for a couple of months-- why haven't you noticed until today that she's been gone?"

"STOP ASKING ME SUCH DIFFICULT QUESTIONS!" Sidney suddenly wailed, as everyone turned around to stare at her, "It's just that today, we have that big mid-term, and I was planning on cheating off of her-- she was acing this class, you know."

"This is Remedial Special Ed," a voice boomed from the front of the classroom, "I expect more from you people," Sidney and Tatum rolled their eyes at the sound of their teacher, as a piece of paper with three questions was passed to each of them in turn; Sidney stared down at the first question: _If Farmer John has a white horse, what color is that horse? _Sidney screwed her eyes in concentration, and after nearly four weeks, when the rest of the class had finished, she scribbled the answer: _Rainbow. _She beamed at the answer, and handed in her paper as the next two answers were far too difficult: _What's your name? _and _How old are you? _She reckoned a 33.3 was good enough.

"Well, finally, Sidney," Mrs. Tate remarked, snatching the paper away from her, and immediately scrubbing a red zero down, "It appears to be your turn to be interrogated."

"What does that mean?"

"GODDAMN IT, SIDNEY! YOU'RE SUCH A FUGLY, IDIOTIC SLUT!" Mrs. Tate suddenly screamed, enraged.

"I was just asking a question," Sidney remarked, hurt.

"Go--" Mrs. Tate whispered, on the verge of tears, "Just go."

Sidney fled out of the room, and seeing her gone, Mrs. Tate unscrewed her bottle of sleeping pills, took out a bottle of vodka, and gave her mortal state a good send-off…

---

Sidney tripped over herself on her way into the principal's office; she opened the door, and found about twenty police officers inside; all were eating donuts-- except Dewey, who was eating a bagel-- the others stared at him coldly.

"HEWOE!" Sidney shrieked, waving madly at Dewey.

"That's Sidney Prescott-- fifty cents a go. Her mom was butchered-- thank God," the principal said matter-of-factly, wiping his sweaty red face, and eating a taco. "She's severely stupid," he added.

"I see," Sheriff Burke nodded, cramming a large jelly-filled donut into his huge mouth; Sidney noticed, with some displeasure that he had but three yellow teeth, and the rest had rotted away, "HEWOE!" Sidney shrieked again, this time to the others; obviously troubled by the fact that no one had noticed her.

Silence fell, "HEWOE, DEWIE!" Sidney shrieked.

"Heh," Dewey said, "I've never met her before in all my life…"

"THAT'S A LIE! A BIG NO-NO!" Sidney continued in her annoying high-pitched voice, "YOU CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT, AND WE--"

"_Really, _Sidney," the principal hissed, now eating a Whopper, "That's enough," he wolfed down the thing, and patted his huge round stomach.

"Sidney, we'd like to ask you a few questions about…"

"I DIDN'T DO IT! I DIDN'T DO IT! I SWEAR. SWEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" and flailing her arms, and screaming, Sidney fled the room, leaving the twenty police-officers and the obese principal to wonder.

"Dang, that bitch is crazy," someone muttered.

"Yeah. She's a whore," another added.

"Hey, do you think…?"

"No. She's too stupid to have masterminded the death. And besides, she--"

"I DIDN'T DO IT! I SWEAR. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!" her voice continued from outside.

"Get the tranquilizer gun," Dewey yelped.

---

Three hours later, after the tranquilizer's effects had worn off, Sidney awoke in a padded cell, in a straight-jacket, _Just another Wednesday, _she thought, and with that, she undid the straps, and fled out through the window, continuing to scream the fact that she hadn't killed Casey.

"SWEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! SWEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! SWEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR--huh?" she was cut off by bumping into Tatum, loser high-school dropout, Stu, Billy, and Randy, the "geek" who had a 3.5 GPA, and was going to somewhere called "college." Sidney had interrupted their daily ritual of ganging up on first graders, and beating them up for their lunch money.

"Hey, slut," Billy greeted.

"Hey, pimp," Sidney replied, and for the next five minutes, she and Billy made out to the dismay-- and disgust of the others.

"So, you escaped the cuckoo nest?" Billy asked, as their kiss ended, "Darn."

Sidney smiled at her accomplishment, "Uh-huh, and this time I didn't even have to get pregnant!"

They continued walking, "So, what're you guys doing?" Sidney asked.

"Going home, you stupid spawn of a slut," Tatum replied, "Duh. That's what you do when you get out of school."

"YOU LIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sidney suddenly screamed, and everyone backed away.

After she calmed down, Tatum changed the subject by talking about their individual interrogations, "They asked me if I liked to dance around like a fairy princess at three in the morning…"

"Do you?" Stu suddenly asked, "Because I do."

Everyone stared for a moment, and then decided to ask as if it had never happened, "Why would they ask that?" Sidney asked.

"Because of how she had an aneurism."

"What?" Randy asked, "What does that have to do with-- whatever," he finished, defeating; hanging out with the gang of idiots was stupid but he did it anyway.

"Hey, Stu?" Sidney asked, "Didn't you use to date Casey?"

"Maybe… YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING--!" he suddenly shrieked, hiding a bloody knife, "I mean-- I was with Tatum _all night_." Everyone cringed, as Tatum smiled, and one of her yellow teeth fell out.

"I don't get it…" Sidney remarked, shrugging her shoulders.

Suddenly, the clown appeared, and challenged Billy to a knife-fight in the middle of the street-- everyone watched.

---

The hippie honked the horn of his bicycle, and Sidney, high from LSD, jumped out of his basket, "Thanks for the ride, stranger!" Sidney shrieked, skipping inside.

Deciding to leave the door unlocked, Sidney phoned Tatum: "You sure I can stay? Will your mommy like me?"

"She barely remembers when you broke up her marriage with Dad. Water under the bridge, Sid. _Water under the bridge."_

"Yea!" Sidney screamed, jumping up and down.

"I'll pick you up after Porn Star School."

"Tell your mom I'm still sorry-- well, not really."

"You okay?"

"Uh-huh, it's just...you know, the police and reporters...it brings it all back."

"Whatever. Go lie in the gutter for an hour or two, and get high. Later."

"Bye."

Sidney hung up, and took three red pills and three blue pills; everything turned all rainbowy and pretty. She danced, and then passed out.

Four hours later, Sidney got her things ready to have her sleepover; her eyes fell on the TV. Gale Weathers was talking, "It reminds me of when that slut's mom-- also a major slut was killed. Thank God for killing her."

Sidney threw a shoe at the TV, and it exploded.

The phone rang, and Sidney answered; Tatum was on the other line, "Porn School ran late. I'm on my way."

"It's one in the morning, you skeez," Sidney whispered, laughing.

"Whatever, bitch. I'm gonna go to BLOCKBUSTER, and rent SNOW WHITE-- don't worry I'll skip the scary parts."

"Pwomise?" Sidney asked.

"Yes. Goodbye, slut-o-nator."

Sidney hung up the phone, and it rang again, "HEWOE?" Sidney screamed into the receiver.

"Hey. I'll save time. It's me, the KILLER."

"Oh, hey. How's it going?"

"Cut the small-talk, slut. Look, I'm going to kill you now."

He hung up, "Oh, no, you didn't!" Sidney shrieked, and the killer appeared behind her; she screamed, and then pushed him. He fell out of the window, and onto a hobo who was sleeping. The hobo yelled, and then asked the killer out on a date; the killer obliged, and they walked off, hand in hand.

"WAAAAAAHHHH! I'M SCARED! BOO-HOO!" And Billy appeared in the window.

"Billy!" Sidney shrieked, and a cell phone fell out of his pocket.

"Now, I know what you're thinking."

"Oh, my God! You're telepathic-- like-- wait, are you the guy who works at Subway? OH, MY GOD! I LOVE YOUR SANDWHICHES, JARED! LET'S MAKE A BABY!"

"NO. I'm Billy, you idiot."

"Oh, yeah," and the police showed up, and took Billy away because it seemed that his cell-phone could have been easily used to call Sidney and give her the "oogie boogies" as she called them.

As Sidney was escorted away, Tatum _finally _showed up, and made out with an elm tree…

---

"Did you reach my dad?" Sidney asked, in the interrogation room.

"No. That means he's either dead or not alive."

"NOOOOO! DADDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Sidney shrieked, sobbing.

"Don't worry, Sid. Geesh. Take your fucking pill," and Sidney gulped down the pill the missile-sized capsule.


End file.
